October 29, 2009. Early morning. I didn't have to be at work until later on this afternoon. I'm lying on the couch with the laptop watching tv on mute and listening to some music. Multi-tasking I guess. A weird feeling just went through my body. As I was loking at a picture of a beach on Facebook. I had this deja-vous. Sometimes you can have deja-vous that is a visual memory but this one was an actual physical and emotional feeling that involved a sense of joy and calm mixed with aweness. The picture ressembled my grandmother's house in Port-Salut, Haiti. The beach with its white sands. The coconut trees along the beach with their long skinny leaves that looks like hair. The little crabs and shells the waves would carry. The smell of the sea breeze. The sensation that the earth was moving when you stared at the moving clouds. My foundest memory was horseback riding along the beach with some friends.
How I wish I could just visit that place again, in my life. That feeling. When you feel as one with the world around you, where the sea and the sky is part of your mind.

Well, gotta go back to ''reality''. Three different shows to prepare for. All in one month.

TODAY

Today I'm gonna change my ways
I'm gonna make my dream come true
Today I'm gonna do some soul searching
I'm gonna find out where my heart is
Today I'm gonna share my pain
I'm gonna let the tears out if I feel like crying

Today I'm gonna love you more
Today I'm gonna open my door
Today I'm gonna let the sun in

Today I'm gonna take that first step
Even I don't know how
Today I'm gonna try so hard
Even if I don't know why
Today I'm gonna find my way
Even if there's no road

So let everyone know
Today is the beginning
Of a chosen dream

Lately I have been feeling lonely. Another relationship gone bad. It never bothered me before. As long as I can remember, I always had someone to share my thoughts and some laughs with. Always busy doing things. No time for sentimental stuff. My friends in Toronto were always there. They were the most fun bunch. Now I long for a great friend whom I can talk to on a daily basis. I do have friends but not one that I can really relate to and talk to each day. I am just wanting someone to come over and bug me and just be there on a day to day basis.

Trust has been a huge issue since I left Toronto and nothing has been right ever since. Maybe it's all in my head, but a part of me died there. Or I killed it. People here aren't how they seem and you don't know if you can open yourself to someone. I have that problem of being too trusting which in the long run bites me in the ass. I am a pretty open and honest person and I don't like to lie. I used to be fake just so people would like me. But since I've grown up I have been myself and said to hell with anyone who doesn't like me for me.

Some people will pretend to like you just so they can get what they want out of you. Once they have it. They leave you to die on the sidewalks of life. But each time, I got up. Stronger than before. More and more I realized, what had bloomed in the summer will eventually die under the cold claws of winter, to be reborn again, once the soothing caresses of the sun lifts its spirits from the abyss.

Relationships have diminished me and it seems like it's nothing but a game for most. A power game. Of what can I get out of you without giving nothing back, because I'm better than you and you owe me that. Or I'm the queen of shit and I don't have time to waste on you because my time is more important than you.

There is no one to turn to and it sucks. This is why I have always turned to my art. Its my serene place where I can let it all out and uncaring about what anyone else thinks. Even if the blood from my heart was pouring like the cascades of the Niagara Falls, with just a single note all the anger and hurt transcend and transforms into fuel for a little while. As I release it all. I am always aware that a moment of peace is just a break from the chaos that is soon to be returning. The Ying and the Yang of life. Now I'm in that dark place again. Waiting patiently for the spring of my life to come back. I look forward to that feeling of being in love again. Even if it's for just a month, a week, a day or the blink of eye through some stranger's smile. Feeling it without believing in it.

Well, I' done for this morning. I'm going to the gym, I have to clean myself and keep the temple strong.

Alone by Maya Angelou

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

September 1st, another birthday. Another day. Everyday is my birthday. Everyday I am born again. As I awake from my divine sleep, I open my ears first, than eyes. Invite the light in. Than lay in bed thinking about the dreams I had the night before.

I dreamed last night that I was a kungfu fighter. I was manipulating a nunchaku and teaching people how to use it. A nunchako is a traditional weapon of the Okinawan kobudō weapons set and consists of two sticks connected at their ends with a short chain or rope. I used to practice with it when i was younger and interested in martial arts and was taking karate and kung fu classes.

I went to the beach a few weeks ago and saw a guy using one. I tried it but obviously it has been so long since I touched one. It's not the kind of weapon that is used much anymore.

I went to work afterwards. I was not supposed to, but I rather be at work than at home thinking. The International Film Festival is going on and so many foreign movies I want to see. Different from the glamorous Hollywood packagings. And on top of it, the films are not just documentaries.

This weekend I'm shooting some scenes for my film. If everything goes well. I finally found a model/actress. Thanks to my friend Mr G. There was this beautiful Russian model this friend referred me to, but she wanted money. And since this is an independent production. I do not have the budget yet. A few people are helping with finding the fundings. Thank god.

Today I'm going to work, than Cafe Les Eclusiers tonight to meet some friends fo drinks. It just feels good to feel free after so long. Only me and my daughter to worry about. The rest, the heck with it, I say.

(a suivre)

Saturday night. Tonight I ain't staying home. Fuck it. If I have to go out alone and celebrate my birthday, I will. I don't feel like making plans with anybody. I just wanna go out alone and see where the wind blows me. I only have one appointment. I have to meet Gman downtown on Drummond. He's celebrating his birthday tonight. Well, more precisely tomorrow or starting at midnight tonight. He insisted that I come. And he also has my camera from the last time we went to Tribe. There are some pictures on that camera that should not be seen. Tribe (the club) was not a lot of fun. I really felt like I was in some small city, and it was the local bar.

I'm glad that we are meeting at a restaurant. He says there were going to be a lot of nice girls, mostly singles. Cool, I say not just the single girls are allowed to have some fun too. Everybody is entitled to peace and a lil fun on earth. As long as it does not interfere with my freedom.

I am old. I rather go sit in a restaurant and have some conversation with some unknown girls, than go to a club and shake my booty with some unknown girls. I actually feel like getting totally smashed tonight. I wish I was in Toronto, with my ''old skool'' friends. But hey, my heart is in the right place finally. I know it will take some time for things to get into the groove of things here. Than it will be smooth sailing. I've learned my lessons from the past two relationships. And I promised myself that it will not happen again. I rather be with someone special, but for now I gotta go solo, and take care of myself, my family and friends. Do the thins I've been putting off for so long. Things that can only be done if you're single. With no guilty feelings.

So tonight I'm celebrating my birthday in my head alone. No matter how many people around.

Instinct - Today and tomorow

My instinct told me
At first to stay away
But did I listen...
I knew what was to happen
Why did I still do it...
Simply because I could

I didn't care
If it was gonna hurt later
I was craving that high
The hurting is now
And It was like crack
That just fell from the sky
Made me feel so good

I had so much pain in my heart
I needed something to anesthetize it
It looked so pure
It took away my mind
Even though it told me so
A sweet high
Nothing but a sweet high

When I woke up next morning
I should have listened
My instinct told me so...
I should have left
And not come back

Than the wise man
Ruined it all
By telling me again
''Never regret
what made you smile...''

Conclusion 1

I think I've crossed that line. That fine line between sanity and insanity. What I want and what I need is at hand's reach. I think I want it all. But I no longer know what I want. I'm well aware that everything has it's price. And as the saying goes ''nothing worth having doesn't come without a hefty price''. But I don't see no price tag to know if I can afford it or not. But as another saying goes ''if you gotta ask for the price, you can't afford it''. I've learned to take a little and give a little. I'm not interested in amassing fortune for the sake of piling it to admire.
The things I want do not have a price tag. Materials things to me are tools I need to achieve my final spiritual chef d'oeuvre. A life well lived. With the acknowledgment that everything has it's time. As this beautiful poem, best summers it.

For everything there is a season,and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born,
and a time to die;

a time to plant,
and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill,
and a time to heal;

a time to break down,
and a time to build up;

a time to weep,
and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn,
and a time to dance;

a time to throw away stones,
and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace,
and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek,
and a time to lose;

a time to keep,
and a time to throw away;

a time to tear,
and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence,
and a time to speak;

a time to love,
and a time to hate;

a time for war,
and a time for peace. Peace...

Good Good Lovin! 1999

Good good Lovin' (Adley Glemaud 1999)

I'm gonna see you soon
I just can't wait to be with you
I gotta see you soon
Fill me up of that good lovin

Day after day I wake up
To salute the shinning star
Wherever I go for sure it' ll follow
I go and I come about my business
Like a chicken without its head
Round and around the globe
No matter how fast
No matter how far
Feet still on the ground
Yearning for you
Just when I think
I got it all under control
There comes the rain
messing everything up

Never learned my lesson
To never ever ever ever
Wear my heart on my sleeves
Fool as I am again
I went and fell in love
When all I needed
Was some of that hard love
Some of that sweet sweat
good good wet Lovin'

Put on my winter coat
Followed the unmarked footsteps
Listening to the echoes of you voice
In the silence of the night
Louder and Louder I'm thinking of you
On every girl's face
I search for your smile
Walking as if I had a destination
I quietly followed the crowds
Each passing moment seems to stand still
Awaken by a whiff of your perfume
Fool as I am
I went and fell in love
When all I needed
Was some Good Good Lovin
Some of that sweet Good Good Lovin

Don't need to hear I love yous
Don't need to know
Your plans for the future
Here I am baby
I'm on my way to you

All I need is you in my arms
Please don't tell me lies
and no goodbyes
and no surprises
Just hear my cries


I just need you and
That good good lovin'
That sweet sweet good lovin' woman...
You ain't going nowhere
Neither am I
So bring it to dudley
That sweet sweet
Good Good loving

Spring 2009

Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it... and your enemies won’t believe it.

-word to myself!

Into the new year

April 2009. I've witnessed this new year 2009.

My girl left me. Even though I knew she would leave some day because she kept saying that she would eventually leave. I never gave it much thought. But she did. Since the apartment I was living in was too expensive for me alone. I had to look for a new place. I had to find a 2 bdrms apartment within my means for my baby girl and I. I found something close to her future school. She will be starting school in september and I wanted to be somewhere close to her new school. I'm excited for her as well as me. The apartment is not big but I can definitely make it our home sweet home. Finally we moved in on March 31st. Three people who told me that they would help with the moving cancelled at the last minute. So it was a cousin of mine at least came and we did the move until 11pm. I was exhausted for 3 days after that.

A black man became president of the United States of America. As most black people said, I never thought that I would live to see that day. But I did. I had tears rolling down my cheeks and couldn't help it. I was almost embarassed by it. Than I started to ask myself why am I crying? Well, I felt proud for him, proud for that country.