Lately I have been feeling lonely. Another relationship gone bad. It never bothered me before. As long as I can remember, I always had someone to share my thoughts and some laughs with. Always busy doing things. No time for sentimental stuff. My friends in Toronto were always there. They were the most fun bunch. Now I long for a great friend whom I can talk to on a daily basis. I do have friends but not one that I can really relate to and talk to each day. I am just wanting someone to come over and bug me and just be there on a day to day basis.
Trust has been a huge issue since I left Toronto and nothing has been right ever since. Maybe it's all in my head, but a part of me died there. Or I killed it. People here aren't how they seem and you don't know if you can open yourself to someone. I have that problem of being too trusting which in the long run bites me in the ass. I am a pretty open and honest person and I don't like to lie. I used to be fake just so people would like me. But since I've grown up I have been myself and said to hell with anyone who doesn't like me for me.
Some people will pretend to like you just so they can get what they want out of you. Once they have it. They leave you to die on the sidewalks of life. But each time, I got up. Stronger than before. More and more I realized, what had bloomed in the summer will eventually die under the cold claws of winter, to be reborn again, once the soothing caresses of the sun lifts its spirits from the abyss.
Relationships have diminished me and it seems like it's nothing but a game for most. A power game. Of what can I get out of you without giving nothing back, because I'm better than you and you owe me that. Or I'm the queen of shit and I don't have time to waste on you because my time is more important than you.
There is no one to turn to and it sucks. This is why I have always turned to my art. Its my serene place where I can let it all out and uncaring about what anyone else thinks. Even if the blood from my heart was pouring like the cascades of the Niagara Falls, with just a single note all the anger and hurt transcend and transforms into fuel for a little while. As I release it all. I am always aware that a moment of peace is just a break from the chaos that is soon to be returning. The Ying and the Yang of life. Now I'm in that dark place again. Waiting patiently for the spring of my life to come back. I look forward to that feeling of being in love again. Even if it's for just a month, a week, a day or the blink of eye through some stranger's smile. Feeling it without believing in it.
Well, I' done for this morning. I'm going to the gym, I have to clean myself and keep the temple strong.
Alone by Maya Angelou
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
TODAY
